2008 Government Subsidized Auto Show

Dear Comrades,

What have we learned from the Fannie Mae/Freddie Mac bailout? The Democratic Party’s Ministry of Disinformation has taught us that the problem stemmed from the Republican Party’s opposition to regulation and the mortgage industry’s predatory lending.

Of course, neither is true. It was the Democratic Party that blocked all attempts to reform the GSEs and denied that there was any problem, while the Republicans fought to enact new regulatory legislation before it was too late. Additionally, it was the Democratic Party and its allies (like ACORN) that prodded and coerced the mortgage industry into making loans to high risk borrowers.

But just ignore the elephant in the room. Support our glorious seven-digit income automobile executives as they flock to Washington D.C. looking for handouts at the taxpayers’ expense. These robber barons are the vanguard of the revolution.

Everyone knows that all cars are created equal. In the name of justice we must legislate the equality of American automobiles with their foreign counterparts. A “Car Czar” must be appointed to distribute cash to our automobile industry so that we can protect it from the Capitalist evil of competition.

To highlight the urgent need for these measures we present the 2008 Government Subsidized Auto Show. This is a great opportunity to emphasize the many successes of rampant Socialism. All automobile manufacturers are rated according to the Red Star system, with five stars as the highest award.

Zaporozhets:

This vehicle is affectionately known as Zapor, which is short for Zaporozhets. Due to a misfortunate twist of irony zapor means “constipated” in Russian. It’s actually an accurate description of this tiny and cheap car.

When it was first introduced back in the late fifties the sentiment among some Ukrainians was that the car was introduced as punishment by the Soviet Union.

Such a creative chastisement by the Ukrainians’ Communist overlords earns the Zapor two Red Stars!!

Some owners preferred to dispose of their Zapor rather than pay a parking ticket which would be greater than the value of the vehicle.

Trabant:

For about 50 years East Germany was a progressive paradise until the reunification of the country reintroduced Capitalism. The powerful two-cylinder Trabant is a testament to the superiority of Communism over free market economies. Nowhere was that more apparent than in the difference between East and West Germany.

West Germany produced inferior automobiles such as BMW, Mercedes Benz, Porsche, Volkswagen and Audi. On the other hand, East Germany manufactured outstanding automobiles such as the Trabant and Wartburg. East Germany’s auto manufacturers reached a level of craftsmanship that remains untouched these days (Mostly, because they are out of business).

Ladies and Gentleman, Freedom Now is proud to award the Trabant three Red Stars!!! With a plastic body and a hydrocarbon emissions rate of about 10 times that of modern cars, the tiny Trabant makes a strong showing.

Trabant’s Eco-Friendly Chia Car (hat tip to Nanc).

Moskvitch:

Thanks to the theft of an entire German automobile factory after WWII, the Moskvitch was based on the design of the Opel Kadett. Most Eastern European automobiles were based on Fiat designs so this made the Moskvitch unique.

Manufactured at the “Youth Communist League Car Factory”, the appearance and performance of the Moskvitch more closely resembled a tank rather than a car.

The export of the Moskvitch brand to Great Britain actually made a bit of a splash in the early 70s until the Consumers’ Association published an article that questioned the safety of the vehicle. Any fender bender in the imported Moskvitchs could turn into an experience worthy of a ‘slasher flick’ thanks to the incredibly sharp edges of the dashboard and dangerously positioned aluminum handbreak.

Such Soviet engineering boosts the Moskvitch to a four Red Star rating!!!! Congratulations comrades!!!!

A brand new, fully complete Moskvitch just after rolling off the assembly line.

The Yugo:

This was a heroic automobile manufactured in Yugoslavia’s “Red Flag Factory”.

“Every car came with a rear defroster to keep your hands warm as you pushed the car...” A triumph of Communist engineering!!!

During its existence the Yugo earned many enthusiastic reviews. Car & Driver magazine wrote that shifting gears in the Yugo is like “trying to shift a baseball bat stuck inside a barrel full of coconuts”.

Consumers have been happy too. Extra features such as removable doors have boosted the Yugo’s reputation so that no one is surprised to hear that Freedom Now awards the Yugo five Red Stars!!!!!

The Grand Prize Winner, with a souped-up hand warmer!!!!!

Now get out there and make Socialist cars for our Democratic Party bosses!!!!!