Monday, December 15, 2008

2008 Government Subsidized Auto Show


Dear Comrades,

What have we learned from the Fannie Mae/Freddie Mac bailout? The Democratic Party’s Ministry of Disinformation has taught us that the problem stemmed from the Republican Party’s opposition to regulation and the mortgage industry’s predatory lending.

Of course, neither is true. It was the Democratic Party that blocked all attempts to reform the GSEs and denied that there was any problem, while the Republicans fought to enact new regulatory legislation before it was too late. Additionally, it was the Democratic Party and its allies (like ACORN) that prodded and coerced the mortgage industry into making loans to high risk borrowers.

But just ignore the elephant in the room. Support our glorious seven-digit income automobile executives as they flock to Washington D.C. looking for handouts at the taxpayers’ expense. These robber barons are the vanguard of the revolution.

Everyone knows that all cars are created equal. In the name of justice we must legislate the equality of American automobiles with their foreign counterparts. A “Car Czar” must be appointed to distribute cash to our automobile industry so that we can protect it from the Capitalist evil of competition.

To highlight the urgent need for these measures we present the 2008 Government Subsidized Auto Show. This is a great opportunity to emphasize the many successes of rampant Socialism. All automobile manufacturers are rated according to the Red Star system, with five stars as the highest award.

Zaporozhets:

This vehicle is affectionately known as Zapor, which is short for Zaporozhets. Due to a misfortunate twist of irony zapor means “constipated” in Russian. It’s actually an accurate description of this tiny and cheap car.

When it was first introduced back in the late fifties the sentiment among some Ukrainians was that the car was introduced as punishment by the Soviet Union.

Such a creative chastisement by the Ukrainians’ Communist overlords earns the Zapor two Red Stars!!


Some owners preferred to dispose of their Zapor rather than pay a parking ticket which would be greater than the value of the vehicle.

Trabant:

For about 50 years East Germany was a progressive paradise until the reunification of the country reintroduced Capitalism. The powerful two-cylinder Trabant is a testament to the superiority of Communism over free market economies. Nowhere was that more apparent than in the difference between East and West Germany.

West Germany produced inferior automobiles such as BMW, Mercedes Benz, Porsche, Volkswagen and Audi. On the other hand, East Germany manufactured outstanding automobiles such as the Trabant and Wartburg. East Germany’s auto manufacturers reached a level of craftsmanship that remains untouched these days (Mostly, because they are out of business).

Ladies and Gentleman, Freedom Now is proud to award the Trabant three Red Stars!!! With a plastic body and a hydrocarbon emissions rate of about 10 times that of modern cars, the tiny Trabant makes a strong showing.


Trabant’s Eco-Friendly Chia Car (hat tip to Nanc).

Moskvitch:

Thanks to the theft of an entire German automobile factory after WWII, the Moskvitch was based on the design of the Opel Kadett. Most Eastern European automobiles were based on Fiat designs so this made the Moskvitch unique.

Manufactured at the “Youth Communist League Car Factory”, the appearance and performance of the Moskvitch more closely resembled a tank rather than a car.

The export of the Moskvitch brand to Great Britain actually made a bit of a splash in the early 70s until the Consumers’ Association published an article that questioned the safety of the vehicle. Any fender bender in the imported Moskvitchs could turn into an experience worthy of a ‘slasher flick’ thanks to the incredibly sharp edges of the dashboard and dangerously positioned aluminum handbreak.

Such Soviet engineering boosts the Moskvitch to a four Red Star rating!!!! Congratulations comrades!!!!


A brand new, fully complete Moskvitch just after rolling off the assembly line.

The Yugo:

This was a heroic automobile manufactured in Yugoslavia’s “Red Flag Factory”.

“Every car came with a rear defroster to keep your hands warm as you pushed the car...” A triumph of Communist engineering!!!

During its existence the Yugo earned many enthusiastic reviews. Car & Driver magazine wrote that shifting gears in the Yugo is like “trying to shift a baseball bat stuck inside a barrel full of coconuts”.

Consumers have been happy too. Extra features such as removable doors have boosted the Yugo’s reputation so that no one is surprised to hear that Freedom Now awards the Yugo five Red Stars!!!!!


The Grand Prize Winner, with a souped-up hand warmer!!!!!

Now get out there and make Socialist cars for our Democratic Party bosses!!!!!

24 comments:

FJ said...

A-A-S-U?

Freedomnow said...

For the life of me, I dont understand what you mean by A-A-S-U...

FJ said...

The oversized letters in each of the car pictures... I though maybe you were trying to subliminal us...

never mind.

Freedomnow said...

Ahhh... no its just for aesthetics, nothing more. Since Russians use the cyrillic alphabet, I just wanted that red proletariat lettering to look a little unusual.

Elmers Brother said...

if they run the car companies like the post office....oy

nanc said...

fern - o.t. - i tried to vote on your blogskinny on the sidebar and it said i was in error and to notify the blog administrator. so, in essence, that's what i'm doing - what's the skinny?

Freedomnow said...

I dont know what happened Nanc. When I get some time I will redo the link.

Thanks

Elbro, the Post Office does a test for all new employees and a Socialized automotive industry will do the same.

Here are some sample questions that they will ask:

"Do you have any objections to making union bosses rich?"

"Are you a Democrat?"

Etc...

FJ said...

This was a very amusing piece, FN. It belongs in the Onion or Nat'l Lampoon.

Freedomnow said...

Well... your comment got me thinking and so I submitted the post to People's Cube and they published it...

http://www.thepeoplescube.com/red/viewtopic.php?p=50450#50450

FJ said...

In a few years, you can do a piece on the new American cars...

...somehow I don't think it'll be quite as humorous.

Z said...

Was my comment too long!? Where'd it go?
Trabbies were the first cars you saw just after the Wall came down in Germany..EVERYWHERE. Very ugly little cars.
But, I guess I won't tell the rest of the story again!
?

Freedomnow said...

Z,

Sorry, your comment never went through. I never saw it!

Please tell the story. It would be interesting...

Z said...

Hi, Freedom! Sorry I sounded so defensive but I'd written quite a lot and thought "what the...!?" That does happen, and I should have known that.xx

Thanks for coming by my place and asking for the story! It's no big deal but I felt it was a part of the history of this car you might find interesting.

As you know, the Trabbie is one of THE ugliest little utilitarian cars one can ever see! That's socialism, isn't it...no looks, no comfort, just utilitarianism. THAT was THE CAR for East Germany. And, one could wait for a few YEARS before finally getting this little hunk of junk delivered to them.

We happened to be in Munich when The Wall came down. I don't believe I'd ever seen a Trabbie though I'd traveled most of Germany (except the East, of course, though I'm pleased to have seen CHeckpoint Charlie when still in full gear). Only ONE DAY after the wall was gone and East Germans could finally leave on their own accord, you'd see Trabbies driving down the street and parked at the curbs in Munich (and other West German cities, of course), their owners visiting relatives they hadn't seen in YEARS, or EVER......shopping, just wanting to GET OUT OF TOWN and enjoying breathing the air of freedom.

The West Germans, still in the euphoria of ONENESS the wall's demise meant to them, did wonderful things: I saw TONS of clothing piled on top of parked Trabbies! I heard Trabbies which weren't locked got food put inside....you also saw bouquets of flowers on the hoods, etc.... Trabbies suddenly looked like ugly little parade floats once the West Germans got through giving what they could to their East German counterparts who had finally been freed...complete strangers helping complete strangers. It was very heartening to see the welcome and kindness of West Germans to their Eastern brothers and sisters.

of course, as we all know, the cost of reunification has been immeasurably more than anyone had expected$$ and the euphoria pretty much dissipated after that, but I think a beautiful part of that car's story is the way owners were treated when they finally escaped the gray and breathless part of Germany they'd been stuck in for so long! You KNEW if you saw a Trabbie, that was someone who'd really suffered and the Germans really helped them out.

Freedomnow said...

Thanks for your insight Z.

There certainly was something magical about the fall of the Berlin Wall.

FJ said...

Yea, I recognize Zarathustra. Pure is his eye, and no loathing
lurketh about his mouth. Goeth he not along like a dancer?


Merry Christmas, FN!

Freedomnow said...

Speaking of insight, along came a Farmer...

Merry Christmas my good Internet friend!!!!!!!!

WomanHonorThyself said...

Happiest holidays sweetie!..Been dancin my toes off! Heh

Elmers Brother said...

Merry Christmas FN!

Debbie said...

Unfortunately, there is so much truth to your post it is sad. Socialists taking over, and most of us know what that means ... nothing good. But I am surprised every day at the people who don't think there is anything wrong with socialism.

Merry Christmas.

Happy New Year.

Debbie Hamilton
Right Truth

nanc said...

merry CHRISTmas, fern and congrats on the "people's cube" spot - you know i have all the faith in you as a superb writer and wish you all the best.

keep on keeping on.

Freedomnow said...

Keep dancin' Angel!!!

Its always good to see you around EB.

Debbie, there is nothing wrong with Socialism if you dont mind regimes like the Soviet Union, Khmer Rouge, Red China, etc...

Thanks for your supportive attitude Nanc...

Merry Christmas to all

DD2 aka Debonair Dude said...

Happy New Year to you and yours and please be safe MY Friend

Freedomnow said...

Hey DD2,

Thanks for your best wishes, I'm sending them right back atcha!!!

Happy New Year

nanc said...

i'm sensing a dance-along wednesday coming up in a few - my feet are getting happy!