War of Words Escalates

A fury of press releases by insurgent factions based in Iraq has stunned the world.

The stimulus for these press releases came from today’s sentencing of US Sgt. Michael J. Smith for his part in the Abu Ghraib abuse case. Prosecutors claimed that Sgt. Smith used his unmuzzled Black Belgian Shepherd to bark and lunge at cowering Iraqis for his own amusement. As punishment he received a demotion to private, a six month jail sentence, forfeiture of pay and a bad-conduct discharge after his release from prison. He was the tenth US soldier convicted of abusing prisoners at Abu Ghraib.

In response a Baathist press conference was held at an undisclosed location to bewildered reporters. Baathist officials announced that they are preparing their own indictments and there will be no statue of limitations to prevent a grand jury from indicting all Baathist prison guards found to be involved in prisoner abuse during the Presidency of Saddam Hussein. Human Rights activists were pleased to hear that the Baathists will also allow the Red Cross to inspect all of its existing torture rooms.

Al Qaeda was quick to issue their own shocking press releases. The organization has promised to completely reform from the top to the bottom. They have declared that from this day forward Thursday will be “Take a Shiite to the Mosque Day”. In a gesture of goodwill they have made a solemn promise that for every mosque they destroy, they will build two new ones. In order to legitimize donations to charities that serve as front groups for Al Qaeda they have also announced that these charities will begin using some of those funds for actual charity work, pledging to build two schools for every school built by US soldiers.

Critics were especially shocked to learn of Al Qaeda’s new found commitment to diversity. A Gay Muslim spokesperson has been appointed by Al Qaeda officials in an effort to reach out to the Muslim Gay Lesbian Transgender community. Appearing for the first time before kidnapped reporters, Abu Al-Shieki, announced his new position in the terrorist group and detailed the historical significance of his appointment.

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There is no word if the Baathists will draft a response to the US Dept of Defense Conservation Guidelines that is included in the Integrated Natural Resources Management Plan for Army Installations and Activities (sound a little technical?). It is believed that the Baathists will soon be launching a new recycling campaign to boost their historically robust policies to protect the environment. Peace activists have made demands that the Coalition should continue the “Baathist Party’s conservation efforts in the southern marshlands that were interupted by an unjust war”.

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If you have somehow missed my point let me spell it out for you. The insurgency and the former regime have never even bothered to pretend to have any commitment to human rights and have given Iraq nothing but death...

Al Qaeda spokesperson, Abu Al-Shieki