Thursday, March 23, 2006

War of Words Escalates







A fury of press releases by insurgent factions based in Iraq has stunned the world.

The stimulus for these press releases came from today’s sentencing of US Sgt. Michael J. Smith for his part in the Abu Ghraib abuse case. Prosecutors claimed that Sgt. Smith used his unmuzzled Black Belgian Shepherd to bark and lunge at cowering Iraqis for his own amusement. As punishment he received a demotion to private, a six month jail sentence, forfeiture of pay and a bad-conduct discharge after his release from prison. He was the tenth US soldier convicted of abusing prisoners at Abu Ghraib.

In response a Baathist press conference was held at an undisclosed location to bewildered reporters. Baathist officials announced that they are preparing their own indictments and there will be no statue of limitations to prevent a grand jury from indicting all Baathist prison guards found to be involved in prisoner abuse during the Presidency of Saddam Hussein. Human Rights activists were pleased to hear that the Baathists will also allow the Red Cross to inspect all of its existing torture rooms.

Al Qaeda was quick to issue their own shocking press releases. The organization has promised to completely reform from the top to the bottom. They have declared that from this day forward Thursday will be “Take a Shiite to the Mosque Day”. In a gesture of goodwill they have made a solemn promise that for every mosque they destroy, they will build two new ones. In order to legitimize donations to charities that serve as front groups for Al Qaeda they have also announced that these charities will begin using some of those funds for actual charity work, pledging to build two schools for every school built by US soldiers.

Critics were especially shocked to learn of Al Qaeda’s new found commitment to diversity. A Gay Muslim spokesperson has been appointed by Al Qaeda officials in an effort to reach out to the Muslim Gay Lesbian Transgender community. Appearing for the first time before kidnapped reporters, Abu Al-Shieki, announced his new position in the terrorist group and detailed the historical significance of his appointment.





There is no word if the Baathists will draft a response to the US Dept of Defense Conservation Guidelines that is included in the Integrated Natural Resources Management Plan for Army Installations and Activities (sound a little technical?). It is believed that the Baathists will soon be launching a new recycling campaign to boost their historically robust policies to protect the environment. Peace activists have made demands that the Coalition should continue the “Baathist Party’s conservation efforts in the southern marshlands that were interupted by an unjust war”.





If you have somehow missed my point let me spell it out for you. The insurgency and the former regime have never even bothered to pretend to have any commitment to human rights and have given Iraq nothing but death...




Al Qaeda spokesperson, Abu Al-Shieki

24 comments:

nanc said...

abu al sheiki - it took me the last two hours to recover from that, fern! now, who's the force to be beckoned with? your passion slip is showing...have a great weekend.

as for me - i look forward to a surprise - i think. it has been implied. i must have only a few weeks left - too many people are being nice to me. could just be the approaching fifty phase i've heard about.

Freedomnow said...

You are obsessed with this 50 thing. I got two words for you...

Sharon Stone!!!!!!!!!

nanc said...

except she's ugly and i'm not! you take that back!

Freedomnow said...

While your beauty may be as great as the sun's life giving energy, you definitely need glasses if you think that Stoner is ugly.

She may be a moonbat of the highest disorder, but she isnt famous for her acting in the movie Basic Instincts and for good reason.

nanc said...

time for the opthalmologist...is she as ugly as halle berry?

Freedomnow said...

Have you thought about learning to read braille?

On a similar topic is there anything opposite of braille, a sort of anti-braille?

I am near-sighted and my long distance sight is d e c l i n i n g

But nobody is gonna fix my eyes and I dont dig glasses. There has to be a better solution...

nanc said...

o.t. - fern - do you remember a poster "themerrywidow" from mbc? this person has singled me out at beaks and i think i know who it is - i need your keen - er, uh eye - check it out and meet me back here.

nanc said...

i think it's our kuhnkat! the prodigal son.

nanc said...

p.s. i'm not a touchy feely person, so braille would never work for me.

American Crusader said...

"reach out to the Muslim Gay Lesbian Transgender community"

haha...what will they be reaching out with?

nanc said...

I am not going to touch that a.c.

Iran Watch said...

Nor will I.

American Crusader said...

I'll be hearing that phrase in about 2-3 years nanc. Doesn't seem that long ago I was hearing the "over 30" phrase.

nanc said...

bunch of babies!

Freedomnow said...

Somehow I think you guys doubt Al Qaeda's reachout to BLT Community. If Jewish delis can make great sandwichs why not Islamic terrorists?

You know what?...I doubt your commitment to Peanut Butter & Jelly sandwichs!

nanc said...

nevermind about the merry widow - she's for sure and not our kuhnkat...she is dr. yeagley's cross to bear.

F.B. Jones said...

I don't think eating islamic sandwiches will be a big hit. I can hardly imagine no pork! at least the Jews have no problem serving piggy. I guess if they pen a turkey BLT shop in san fran. they may prosper.
I couldn't think of a good comment on this. I will try better next time.

nanc said...

fern - good news - i got my first paycheck - for you i buy golf balls the size of diamonds. no pb&j for us, my friend - it is all out albacore! yeah, i know how to spoil my friends. now i go spoil baby z!

orangeducks said...

FN,

Brilliant post. Sarcasm is the warm syrup over the flap jacks of politics.

orangeducks

Freedomnow said...

Hey Nanc has cash!!! Drinks are on her!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks to Jason for straightening me out (no pun intended), I always thought they were talking about sandwiches. Its actually GLBT not BLT...those crazy cats at Al Qaeda are much more hip than me. Queers for Al Qaeda are very happy about now...

Its nice of you to stop by Mr. OrangeDucks.

Cheers!!!

nanc said...

mr. ducks is getting around alot lately - if i could catch him i'd buy him some golf balls, too! good to see you fern. now i think i'll go see what's happening in australia.

Freedomnow said...

No one noticed that the Al Qaeda flag is Shiite green.

It was unintentional, I just wanted to make their flag (which is black) lighter because Al Shieki's clothes are black as well.

So I played around with different colors and when I looked at the green I thought it looked good and added a bit of irony to it...

nanc said...

my mom always told me to stay away from hot ironies!

Freedomnow said...

Dang it! You found my secret comment. How do you do it?...incredible!