Confessions of a Terrorist

Crossing into Iraq was easy and we slipped past the Syrian border completely undetected. My guide was a repulsive smuggler who I feared would rob and kill me on a whim. I was especially uncomfortable because I had no weapons and carried a large sum of cash that was to be used to help fund the holy war.

Through the hundreds of miles that my journey led me, I had plenty of time to think about why I took up the Jihad. Back in Saudi Arabia I had a supportive family, a well paying job and a pleasant life. In spite of this, an uneasy guilt had slowly crept into my consciousness as I selfishly satisfied my material needs.

There was also a deep rage that stirred within me whenever I read about the injustices of the infidels against the Muslim people. My schooling and religious studies had taught me of the terror brought upon Palestinian children by the Jews. The media reported on the rape of Iraq by the American crusaders. Meanwhile other infidels extended the oppression of monotheists around the world. This was how I came to the conclusion that the manhood of Islam was in question.

The biggest threat of all was western culture. No Muslim can escape Hollywood and fast food. In defiance of Islamic law I would go to the mall and use Bluetooth instant messaging to flirt with women. All you have to do is press the search button and every woman with a Bluetooth ID within the range of your phone would be available. Of course the religious police would detain any man associating with an unrelated woman, so this allowed me to safely break the law. I am ashamed to say that I was actually proud of my little brother when he was arrested for socializing with a girl. It was this attitude that led me to fall victim to illegal vices like alcohol and fornication. I continued down the path of temptation in the full knowledge that it was wrong.

In between surfing chat rooms and pornographic websites I also visited Jihad pages. This only served to confuse me further. The beauty of our martyrs made me ashamed of myself, yet I continued to embrace western corruption. My guilt grew with every injustice committed by the infidels and with every injustice I made against Allah.

Everything became clear to me when my honored Imam introduced me to a real Mujahideen who had fought in Afghanistan and Iraq. It was thrilling to hear him tell stories of our brave martyrs. Most importantly; he told me of the inhumane massacres, rape and torture of Muslims that were committed by the Americans. It was as if he read my mind when he spoke of how western culture is converting the faithful, imposing homosexuality, degrading women and forcing adultery upon the Arab people. I was given a video and told to think about the great sacrifice that I could make for Islam.

I must have watched the Mujahideen video 10 times that afternoon. Finally I was exhausted and turned it off. In the silence I stared at my plasma TV and all of my material wealth... the DVD player, stereo surround, Xbox, laptop and all the western decadence that I had embraced. I knew what my answer would be and it was a relief against the mountain of guilt that weighed me down. From then on I had a sense of purpose.

This is how I wound up as a holy warrior in Iraq and this is how things began to go horribly wrong. I was an educated man, how could I let this happen to myself? Not long after entering Iraq I was told to deliver a truck to a combat unit who would use it in a martyrdom operation. As my orders required, I parked the truck near a hotel and waited for my comrades to relieve me. Without warning the truck exploded in a great inferno. My superiors were worried that I would lose my nerve so they gave me misleading instructions and detonated the explosives from afar. The last thing I remember was watching a young girl walk by while holding her father’s hand. My greatest regret of all was to watch her die. I would give anything to change what I did, but I have nothing left to give.

I hope that this message reaches the world, because I have taken great pains to see that it does. Please let everyone know that when you commit such crimes you will not have 72 virgins waiting for you in hell, as a matter of fact there are no virgins in hell at all. Those who wish to be martyrs should choose life instead. They should be satisfied with just one woman and respect all of the life that Allah has created. It is too late for me, I have destroyed that which Allah loves and I shall pay for eternity.

…Whoever desires Paradise, proceeds towards goodness; whoever fears Hell, refrains from the impulses of passions…

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Update 12/11/05 - Please note that this story is a work of fiction. The subject of the story is a dead suicide bomber writing from Hell.