While the media focuses on the Surge battle plan in Baghdad, another major operation has begun against Iran. It is a two pronged offensive with one pincer rooting out Iranian backed militias in the Shia south and the other decimating the Revolutionary Guard in Iran.
Some liken the operation to a game of whack a mole, but in reality it is more like a squirrel or a badger. Animal rights activists have called it a humanitarian nightmare because of the unconventional tactics utilized by Coalition Forces.
In southern Iraq British troops have unleashed an onslaught of Ferocious Honey Badgers that have terrorized Shia militants and emotionally scarred their children. Human rights leaders have condemned the attacks as indiscriminate against civilians and demand that the exploitation of these animals must cease immediately.
In the meantime these Vicious Badgers have taken their toll on the unsuspecting population. A Basra housewife, Suad Hassan, claimed to have been attacked by a British Badger as she slept. She reported;
“My husband hurried to shoot it but it was as swift as a deer. It is the size of a dog but his head is like a monkey.”
Facing mounting pressure from criticism by anonymous government sources a UK military spokesman, Major Mike Shearer, denied responsibility.
“We can categorically state that we have not released Man-Eating Badgers into the area.”
However, members of Parliament have announced an official inquiry. In order to deflect attention from his upcoming suspension from Parliament, disgraced MP George Galloway declared that he will intervene on the badgers’ behalf.
“I pledge by the blood of the resistance that I will use the money that I received from Saddam’s oil-for-food program to build a rest home and amusement park for the badgers after they convert to Islam.”
The other prong of the operation entails a much riskier tactic that requires deep penetration into Iranian territory. In order to move much quicker, in lightening thrusts, the Coalition has opted for Attack Squirrels that move over vast amounts of land at a greater speed than Badgers.
Initial raids by Squirrel Scouts resulted in their capture by sharp-eyed border guards, but Iran is concerned that they have lost track of the main body of elusive rodents and expect attacks in their rear lines. To defend against such circumstances they have fortified their positions bringing up tanks and artillery.
The Iranian state-sponsored news agency IRNA reported:
“In recent weeks, intelligence operatives have arrested 14 squirrels within Iran’s borders. The squirrels were carrying spy gear of foreign agencies, and were stopped before they could act, thanks to the alertness of our intelligence services.”
Experts agree that this military operation has unnecessarily raised tensions in the Persian Gulf. President Ahmadinejad made a historic speech to the Iranian people stating that all squirrels and badgers “will be wiped off the map”.
While this post is a bit outlandish it is still based on real news stories. If you don’t believe me then check the links for yourself. Even though the game is deadly serious you just have to laugh at the absolute wackiness of these accusations. Other insane conspiracy theories are not quite as funny, but just as crazy…
- Iran’s Sahar 1 TV aired a hateful weekly series called “Zahra’s Blue Eyes”. The show accused Israel of stealing body parts of Palestinian children. It featured graphic scenes of Palestinian children whose eyes have been surgically removed and stolen by Israel.
- Iran’s daily newspaper Jomhour-ye Islami blamed U.S. soldiers for stealing organs from Iraqis. It based its accusations on European ‘secret’ military reports. “The reports confirm the finding of tens of thousands of mutilated cadavers missing parts… These teams offer $40 for every usable kidney and $25 for an eye…”
- Iran’s Mehr News Agency ran a story accusing Israel of inflicting cancer on the Arab world. It was titled, “Israel Exporting Carcinogenic Foodstuff to Arab States”. They stated, “The trend has led to an increase in leukemia and liver and stomach cancer in the Arab countries which have imported Israeli foodstuff”.
- Hizbullah’s Al-Manar TV broadcast a program claiming that Zionists were spreading diseases amongst Arabs. It stated that there were, “Zionist attempts to transmit dangerous diseases like AIDS through exports to Arab countries”.
Hat tips to Right Truth via Atlas Shrugs & Steven Stalinsky at JWR
A Squirrel Commando attacks an Iranian offshore oil facility on behalf of his Zionist masters (Photo by AP).
