Friday, March 23, 2007

Exclusive Saddam Interview




Dear Readers,

In the most sensational interview of the year, I had the opportunity to speak with Saddam Hussein, the former president of Iraq. This coup was made possible by his attendance at a local “antiwar” rally in San Diego, California on March 17th. I couldn’t believe my luck when Saddam agreed to the interview. Since I was completely unprepared I had to dash over to Office Depot and purchase a digital voice recorder for the occasion.

You would think that being executed and sentenced to eternal damnation would bring him down, but Saddam was very upbeat during the interview. He actually appeared to be just a bit giggly after sharing a joint with some protesters. However, the seriousness of his situation should have overpowered the intoxicating effects of the drug. Instead he presided over the protest like a ringmaster without a care in the world. It was an awe inspiring moment.

FN: Saddam Hussein thank you for agreeing to this interview. It’s been a long time since your last media appearance so I am honored that you chose Freedom Now for this exclusive. What brings you to this protest today?

SH: It’s good to be here with my loyal minions. I came here today to meet my good friend Ramsey Clark and all of my friends at the National Lawyers Guild. They have worked tirelessly on my behalf and now they are holding this protest in order to free all political prisoners that are currently being held captive in hell. Bless their bleeding hearts!

FN: Last I heard you were hanged by the neck until dead and condemned to eternal damnation. How did you get out of hell?

SH: My dark master Lucifer let me out on a special furlough to recruit more souls. I had to deal with a lot of bureaucracy and paper work to get out just for one day, but there are many souls to harvest here.

FN: Saddam these are peace loving hippies that you are talking about. Why would they be damned to hell?

SH: Oh no, you don’t understand. They can all go to hell.

Our entire middle management in the underworld is comprised of liberals and socialists. Many people are under the old misconception that physical torture is used as punishment in hell, but it hasn’t been this way in over a hundred years. No, we torture the damned through litigation and bureaucracy.

Lawyers from the National Lawyers Guild and the ACLU have taken over the reigns of the Ministry of Torture to increase the suffering of hell’s inmates. In addition we have recently built the Lynne Stewart University of Malpractice which will be the cornerstone of Satan’s program to produce a ratio of five lawyers for each condemned soul.

FN: That’s terrible! But I think physical torture would still be worse.

SH: Don’t doubt the diabolical schemes of our infernal master. In hell there are no double jeopardy rules and you are forced to appeal every court case or lawsuit. Litigation never ends. There are cases that have lasted for over a hundred years. The only way to raise your status as a demon and protect yourself from frivolous litigation is to recruit legions of lawyers. I was lucky enough to have the support of all of them.

Over-regulation and excessive-taxation are also instruments of torture. Pesticides and GM foods are banned, while excessive tariffs and subsidies kill free trade. This means that our third world inmates suffer from massive amounts of starvation. In hell you can starve, but you can’t die!

Our Dark Lord is a genius. As the dictator of Iraq I never thought of such a diabolical scheme. Lord Satan had me recruit activists from Greenpeace and the Earth Liberation Front to run the Ministry of Starvation and they have made impressive gains to increase the suffering, while lowering carbon emissions by .001%.

FN: I see what you mean. That is particularly disturbing. Do you think that you will have any luck recruiting “peace” activists today?

SH: Oh I already have. These people have served me faithfully as human shields and have even represented me in court. Whenever I have needed them they have protested on my behalf because they love me. Today I have been handing out my delicious Yellowcake Cupcakes made with a special uranium recipe that I got from Niger. So you can see that I have them eating out of my hands.



Not only do protesters like anti-American dictators, but they love their recipes too.

FN: Many people at this protest believe that the U.S. should withdraw from Iraq. What are your thoughts about this?

SH: I absolutely agree. The illegal invasion and occupation over my beloved Iraq should be reversed so my loyal Baath Party members can seize control. Then President Bush needs to be impeached and sent to hell in my place.

You Americans missed a good chance for peace and to set me free when you failed to elect John Kerry. Now it is necessary to let the bloody purges begin.

FN: It turns out that John Kerry is washed up these days. Since he pretty much dedicated his rhetoric to undermining the U.S. presence in Iraq, he almost brought down the United States with him. Do you think that he helped your cause?

SH: Kerry is a great American patriot so I took the example of Communist Vietnam and honored him. After Kerry helped the Communists seize South Vietnam they placed a picture of him in a museum for anti-war protesters in Ho Chi Min City. So when my master promoted me to Lucifer’s Minion First Class I began construction on my own museum to honor those antiwar protesters that have supported me so faithfully. I had it painted pink and hired Che Guevara as my curator. Please visit when you are in town. It’s hard to miss because it is right next to Disney’s Lake of Fire Amusement Park.

FN: Over the years you issued several orders to hunt down and kill American civilians, but now you are honoring them. Do you regret issuing such statements?

SH: There is nothing that I could say or do that would cause the antiwar movement to dump me. President Bush is our common enemy so I could run free and kill anyone that I want, but your protesters would still support me. When my insurgents kill women and children do these protesters blame me? No they blame Bush. Your people do not hate me, they hate Bush. I came so close to defeating America and that’s why the CIA killed me.

FN: Saddam - You invaded Kuwait, your troops got routed, your government fell and you were captured and executed… Do you think that you made a bigger mistake than President Bush?

SH: Bush should have minded his own business because now he will have to answer to the anger of the American people who rally behind my sovereign nation. Don’t forget that even though I am dead, I am still the President of Iraq!!!

Even in death I was made to be a martyr by my supporters here in the United States. My Baathist legions and the Democratic Party stand united to end the unjust American occupation. All the bombs and RPGs in the world cannot stop the American military, but we don’t need to… you can defeat yourself. Ha haa haaaaa haaaaa.

FN: President Hussein we have run out of time, but I’d like to say that you strike me as a thoughtful and sensitive leader and I am sure that we will get you out of prison. Please have faith in the American people.

SH: I do have faith, but you should forget all about the people that I killed and the people that I was going to kill. It’s all about Bush, blame him for my violence! Remember that the only path to get elected to public office in the United States is through support for my cause. Just leave the Iraqi people alone so that my henchmen can kill them quietly. Thank you for this wonderful protest.





A special audio excerpt of the interview with Saddam is included here, followed by an official press release by the demon Belial, Hell’s Minister of Information.

26 comments:

Farmer John said...

I think we should make Saddam an honorary American citizen. Is it too late to buy that torn down statue in Bagdad and place it on a pedestal between the Statue of Liberty and that "New Colossus - Tired and Huddled Masses" plaque? That way, when they turn Ellis Island into a deportation station in 2050, we'll all know who to thank for the free boat trip.

Great interview, FN! And an Allah **spit** Akbar to you, Saddam!

Farmer John said...

btw - That's not real yellow-cake. If Niger were selling you real yellow-cake, where would France get all their pastries? (the Joe Wilson argument).

Freedomnow said...

You may be right because I was waiting for the protesters to drop dead after eating them, but it never happened.

I believe Saddam was just testing them to see how much they trust him...

Farmer John said...

He should have given away cups of Jim Jones flavoured Kool-Aid then.

kuhnkat said...

Hey FN you flaming Liberal, when are you gonna start a protest to make peace treaty between Madz and Beakerkin??

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Farmer John said...

FN,

Don't even bother reasoning with ed over on the Rocco post. The guy's a fraud. All these "claims"...

I served two tours in Viet Nam and did everything my country asked of me...

My service in southeast Asia wasn't voluntary on my part but as a draftee I had to go and while I was there I did what I had to do to make the best of a bad situation...

I have personally done more of that than you and have killed more men in hand to hand combat than you have fingers and toes.


Draftee's only did ONE tour in 'Nam. If the man will lie about his service, he'll lie about anything.

WomanHonorThyself said...

soooooooo glad u got the scoop and parting message!..heh

Freedomnow said...

FJ,

Thats what I live for.

If every commentator agreed with everything I said I would never comment again.

The fact that these trolls lie so much is no big deal even though I feel the need to be truthful.

This is similar to the disadvantage that our country faces. We have a commitment to democracy and human rights while our totalitarian enemies actually embrace fascism and mass murder. They then use our own media against us to defame our commitment to democracy and human rights.

It is a disadvantage that I have grown used to and I wouldnt have it any other way. I draw strength from the immorality of my enemies.

They only prove the validity of my cause.

Farmer John said...

Then have at it. Just don't expect an honest debate.

nanc said...

i JUST knew you had the inside scoop! good thing i'm affiliated with you, eh?

...i AM still affiliated with you, right?

Freedomnow said...

I believe that since you PROduced the InterVIEW and BANKrolled it, you qualify as affiliated.


While Bush gets the blame for EVERYthing bad

You get the credit for everyTHING good.

Freedomnow said...

FJ,

Monty Pythons Moonbat Circus is entertaining. Thats why I visit Moonbattery.com

Rogue said...

Whoo hoo! Another Protest Warrior on a blog.
I was part of PW until my current job left me a bit too busy to participate.

I'm out of the PW loop now, but hope to carry on dissing Moonbats as often as possible.

Freedomnow said...

You bet.

Somebody has to spread the word that in Iraq the truth does not correspond to the terrorist propaganda which the American Left has whole heartedly embraced.

I linked to your website.

Rogue said...

FN,
I finished the Murtha Pig post. You saw it in the pseudo-draft phase.

Farmer John said...

I think that all America needs a web presence in Iraq. That should keep the Terrorists all in line! Oh, that reminds me, Have the Iraqis' signed up for their new *GSP's yet?













*Government Service Provider

American Crusader said...

Great interview. You know what I find surprising?
I hear more and more, people stating that the best thing that could have happened to Iraq was if we had left Saddam in power.
Apparently, the belief that Iraq will ever be a stable democracy has become past tense. Just a memory.
I don't understand how anyone could think living under one of the world's most brutal dictators is better than even hoping for democracy.

Freedomnow said...

AC,

There is one thing that you can always count on. The Peace Movement is always Pro-War when it is against the U.S.

In the eyes of the Left, the right of self-determination is not important for the Iraqis.

The Iraqi people are nothing but pawns for body counts that are inaccurately blamed on the U.S. because the vast majority of such casualties result from terrorist attacks.

In the end the Left would have the Iraqis isolated and destroyed.

Eddie said...

Hi Freedomnow,

I really enjoy reading your postings. Please keep up the good work.
I thought that you would be interested in a note that appeared in the Victoria Times Colonist, that is somewhat related to what you normally write about. Please take a look at it.

Here's the link: http://www.canada.com/victoriatimescolonist/story.html?id=38f771de-accd-4b70-b8bb-c4a94c218a70&k=56362

Cheers!

Freedomnow said...

Hey its Eddie,

Its good to see that you are still coming around.

The link is classic, thanks.

There are many activists that are desperate to prove that Christianity promotes violence just like Islam does. In this case they go back over 2,000 years to use a story from the Old Testiment in an effort to "prove" that tired talking point.

Some think they are being brave, but they are just plying the waters that all useful tools travel.

Debbie said...

You are good. When I first read the title, I thought ... "This blogger has real connections, he went to the depths of Hell to get an interview, what a guy."
ha

Then I read the interview and listened to the audio. Great stuff.

I guess Lucifer felt Saddam could best be used here on earth with his peers, the Left.
Debbie
Right Truth
http://www.righttruth.typepad.com

Freedomnow said...

You know I'd like to say that my connections got me the interview, but after those protesters started passing around a couple of joints Saddam really loosened up alot. He would have done an interview with even a bore like Amy Goodman, I swear.

Anyways, the worst part was that Saddam kept asking me for munchies, but even after saying no a dozen times he kept asking because he was so wasted that he forgot that he already asked.

What a loser...

nanc said...

and to think i thought you more of a victoria's secret kind of guy...

goes to show...just cannot know someone enough...

Freedomnow said...

Nanc,

You are replying here to a comment made at the Curtains blog.

However, you are welcome to leave compliments in this blog as well.

nanc said...

i leave compliments wherever i please, thank you, you little whippersnapper!

nancdearest

Freedomnow said...

Flattery will get you nowhere my dear...